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DISCLAIMER:
The actions described in this article were designed and supervised by trained professionals. They are extremely dangerous and should not be attempted. The author assumes no liability for any incidental, consequential or other liability from the use of this information. All risks and damages, incidental or otherwise arising from the use or misuse of the information contained herein are entirely the responsibility of the user. Ever want to get closer to mother-nature? Get hot and bothered every time you walk by the produce section in the grocery store? Feel the need for something powerful between your legs? Well so was the good doctor, but I couldn’t be content with just pleasuring my patients with any old vegetables. I needed to super-charge them. Now I could just cop-out and lube her up and go to town, but that would be too easy. So I wondered what could take pleasure to the next level and give my patients all the satisfaction they deserve (and their HMO could pay for). Nurse! Get me a Hammer-Drill Stat!  Why a Hammer-Drill? Where else would you get variable speed in-out action with an extra handle and a depth gauge? Nothing but the best would do so my nurse brought me an 8 Amp AC driven ½” Hammer-Drill. The key to a successful outcome is picking the right cucumber. The cucumber needs to be the right size. Not too big or my patients won’t let it anywhere near them. Not too small or why bother. So I found one that was just right – about 9 inches long and 1.5 inches in diameter. When I am done with this cucumber – many will wish they could be reincarnated as it.  Now the trick with attaching a cucumber to a hammer-drill is the right hardware. I needed something that could easily insert into it and lock it in place. I decided that the best start for this operation was an eye-screw (3/16” by 3”) that I picked up in a convenient two pack at my local home supply center. Now in order to really lock in cucumbers of various sizes, I needed something that I could thread through the eye of the eye-screw. 3/8” bolt with washer and a nut sure fit the bill. I picked up bolts of various lengths (2 to 4 inches) to accommodate whatever size cucumber I may want to attach. Some of these are long enough that I could even attach an egg-plant (moussaka anyone?). So eye-screws, nuts, bolts, and washers were in my doctor’s bag when I headed back to the lab.  How this for creative nut and bolt arrangement?  Assembling the mount was as simple as threading the bolt through a washer – eye-screw – washer and threading a nut. I laid it out nice and easy so I could visualize the operation.  My prototype mount looks something like this. I figured it should be strong enough to firmly grasp whatever produce fit my fancy.  Ah finally the cucumber and the mount get to meet each other. It looks like the mount is going to be the right width to firmly grasp the cucumber.  Now comes the tricky part. I needed to make sure that my bolt could thread through my eye-screw inside the cucumber. To do this, I took the eye-screw and its small nut and threaded the nut about 1.5 inches from the eye (about ½ way). I then placed the eye-screw beside the cucumber and made the nut level with the bottom of the cucumber. I marked the center of the eye in the middle of the cucumber. This is where the bolt would cross through the cucumber. I broke out my scalpel and made three incisions. The first incision was where I marked the eye-screw center. The second was directly opposite. I made a small X incision on each side. I threaded the bold through to make sure it would easily pass through the cucumber. I then placed a small straight incision about the width of the eye-screw in the bottom of the cucumber. I pushed the eye-screw head up until its bolt came flush with the bottom of the cucumber (about 1.5 inches). I then threaded the bolt through a washer, through the cucumber, through another washer, and finally threaded the nut. Operation complete – one mounted cucumber. This was quite a bit of surgery. A close-up is in order. Notice how the bolt, washer, and nuts securely grasp the cucumber. I didn’t tighten too hard as I don’t wan the washers to rupture the skin of the cucumber.   Now that the cucumber is mounted, its Hammer time - or at least Hammer-Drill time! The screw portion of the eye-screw makes a perfect bit for inserting into the hammer-drill. Tighten the chuck and voila – one mad-genius home-made sex toy is complete.   DISCLAIMER:
The actions described in this article were designed and supervised by trained professionals. They are extremely dangerous and should not be attempted. The author assumes no liability for any incidental, consequential or other liability from the use of this information. All risks and damages, incidental or otherwise arising from the use or misuse of the information contained herein are entirely the responsibility of the user. |
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